Starting a daily blog.  This will just be meant for things that are really important or things that aren't just random ramblings.

My Daily Thoughts.

My Dearest Mama Chris

Mama Chris.  Someone who I hold very near and dear to my heart.  She's been a part of my life for a long time now, and in a way, adopted me as one of her own.

My first real memories of her are when she called me up out of the blue and asked me to work for her because one of her workers walked out.  She knew I was one of Emily's friends, and that I was old enough to work for her.  From there stemmed a beautiful friendship.

Some of my most memorable times in my life were spent with Mama Chris and Emily.  Our road trip to California.  Getting lost.  Running red lights.  The blown up blender.  The "Scary" Guy in Hollywood. Catering for the Harley Davidson people.  The drunk guy thinking that Kitchen Van Go was a bus, and just hopped on.  The Relient K concert.  The list really could go on.

But in the most recent years, she became my "Hospital Buddy".  Anytime I wound up in the hospital, I could count on a visit from her because she'd just happen to have a doctor's appointment when I was there.  And vice versa.

She's been through so much, and through the whole thing, she's been strong.  One of my true heros.  I'll always love her for all that she's done in my life to help me out.

Mama Chris, tonight my thoughts are with you.

Since I know my boyfriend lurks my blog.

I may have my bad days, but overall, I have a good life.  But the biggest part that I've been blessed with is my wonderful boyfriend.  He's quite opposite from me, yet he's my missing piece.  I am truly lucky to have him back in my life.  With him, things can only get better.

I saw Tanner for the first time in two years yesterday.  I needed that.  I didn't realize just how much I missed my best friend.  But after seeing him, and after talkin to him, he helped me realize something that I had failed to see myself in this time that I've been dating Kyle.

I am a fixer.  I've always dated people that were "in need" of something.  People that would walk all over me.  And I'd take it, like a champ.  I would do my best to help fix whatever problems that they had at the time (which I know, isn't the right way to live life).  And once they were "better", they'd be done with me.

But with Kyle, it's different.  He doesn't need fixing.  He isn't draining the life out of me.  With him, it's equal on both parts.  A little give, a little take.  And this, my dear friends, is what I've been searching for my whole life.

Learning to stay out of the way, especially in a strange place, isn't easy.  I don't know what to do, or what to say.  Just keeping to myself.  People at their raw emotions.  And somewhere I just feel sunk.  I don't know what I can do to even help.  I feel like it seems like I don't care.  I do, I just don't know how to relay that to a bunch of people I met only a week and a half ago.

Kind of reminds me of my grandma.  I miss her so much.  But if there's one thing she did teach me, its to be there for others.  So, I'm trying my best.

Life is crazy.  Somewhere between being completely unhappy and at the top of the world, I've found a balance.  I've settled in a life that I really am content with.  And I really feel as if I'm heading in the right direction for once.  And I say this with complete certainty.  The nicest part is that I haven't felt this much love in my life in a very long time.  I'm totally happy with it.

Dear You,
We were friends.  Friends of the best kind.  No matter what happened in life, we always came back to each other.  You were the only person I really hung out with substantially after my surgery.  You were the one person I spent every birthday with, every year since we've known each other.  You were someone who I trusted with every one of my secrets.  And deep down, I thought you cared about me.

And this is where I've been slapped in the face and been made a fool of.  I don't care about your personal life.  That's your own thing.  But you, you lied to me.  Made me think things were different than they were.  Boy, was I wrong.  Not only did you stick a knife in my heart, my friend, but you twisted it, letting it bleed out and letting the blood circle in the tears left shed from our friendship.

I'm sad that we cant be friends.  I'm sad that I can't look past the fact that you lied to me.  That you tore me to shreds.  And now every time I think of any memory from our friendship, I cry.  And not just a little, but a lot.  In a way I feel like maybe I was never something you cared about.  You lied to me not just once, but many times over the years.  I dunno, maybe my whole life is a lie.

This has been a bullet to my self-esteem.  I just wanna feel like I really matter.  Like maybe at one moment I mattered.  I dont think I ever will though.

I'll miss you.
-Me