I'm so confused. I just don't get it. Why would you tell me that you couldn't be my friend, and then change your mind? I had my life all ready to know that you wouldn't want anything to do with me. You were a part of my life that ran away from me ages ago. I guess I'm still not sure how to handle all this. We have quit being friends so many times. We become the friends that share everything with each other because we are each so distant from the main part of each other's lives. And yet we keep doing this to each other. We end up tearing each other apart, but we cant live without the other one's friendship. You are my friendship that I've cried more about than anything bad in my life. I thought when I told you a year ago that I couldn't be your friend anymore, that was the last I'd hear from you. And then my life changed. And you came back to send your well-wishes. And all of a sudden, all the tears have come back. I don't know how to handle our friendship anymore. I wish I did know. I wish it could be easy. But nothing has ever been that easy. I knew that no matter how much we weren't friends anymore, that I'd still think about you daily. You were the one that gave me the hope to hold on when I was ready to give up on life when I was waiting. And when you couldn't give to me, you donated so you could give to someone else. Just knowing that changed my outlook when I was so depressed about having to wait on my own. You kept it all a big secret from me until after the fact. Yet when you told me, you hugged me until I was done crying. Funny how two months could change everything. By then we had come to the crossroads where we made that decision that we were better off not being friends anymore. You had a crazy girlfriend who hated my guts, and I was trying to find myself. It just didn't work for either of us. So we had that conversation that killed me inside for months, where we both decided that we couldn't be friends anymore. It took me so long to feel okay about it, and even thinking about it now makes me cry. And yet a year later, you waltz right back in as if nothing ever happened. You apologized and that apology meant more than anything to me. But, at the same time, it's so hard to go back to the friends that we used to be, because it was so easy for you to be okay with our broken friendship. I guess I just needed to get all this out. Maybe this is what I needed to get past that wall that I was creating myself. Maybe this is what I needed to say before I could be okay with you being back in my life again. I just wanted to understand my thoughts more. To know why things could be so messed up for so long and then all of a sudden be okay again. Gah, I hate confusion like this. And I swore I'd never do this again, but yet I'm crying all over again. We have had the most complicated friendship that sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. But I know that things happen for a reason, and people come back into your life for those same reasons. I just wish I was smart enough to figure this one out. I can usually figure all these weird friendship things out, but I could never figure you out. You stuck up for me when the rumors where flying about me. You pulled me through some of my deepest depression. I cant forget that.
I guess I just needed to get my random thoughts about all of this out. It helped some. And I've now come to the result that why I'm having such a hard time with all of this is because I really missed my best friend.
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