I live the same day over, and over again.  The same routines, the same lines.  I wish that someone really understood.  Yeah, there are those that come into my life that see and have my issues effect their lives, but they don't have to deal with all this in the manner that I do.  There are so many recent events, so many people that I trusted, that just like to forget what I'm going through.  I don't like to talk about it, because I don't want to be treated different, but I'd like to think that those that are in similar shoes as me would just take things with me into consideration.  I'm at this loss.  I've never been one to cut ties with people, but I don't wanna be sad anymore.  Numerous people are just slapping me in the face over and over again.  And the sad thing is, I'm allowing them to.  

It sucks not having a job.  Not being able to work.  Having to really watch what I spend my money on.  It sucks to be stuck in this city, not being able to really go anywhere because I have to be able to get to the hospital at the drop of a hat.  Portland is my prison, and I have an undetermined sentence.  It sucks being sick, but feeling as if you're not.  It sucks having to be cautious when I go out because I can't afford to even get the common cold.

I just wanna sleep until that call comes, telling me that I can have my chance at living life again.  Because this Groundhog's Day has gotten old.  

I'll never ask people to apologize for hurting me so much.  That's not in my nature.  And naturally, I'll end up having people walk all over me and pretending like everything is just peachy keen.  I have so much pent up in me that I could write an angry entry that would take days to read.  But I will always pretend like everything is okay just so I don't have to deal with things.  I take on the roll of the bad guy even when I'm not the bad guy.  I take the blame when it's not my fault.

And now I've hit that brick wall where I can't even let emotions out.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that this time I'm hurt so bad that I'm done trying to fix things, because they'll just end up back here.