today is just one of those days where i just wanna scream at the top of my lungs...
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!"
i'm not angry or anything. i just feel like i am having an out of body experience. like i'm watching my life in third person. its like i'm not living my own life this week. i feel like i don't know anything right now, and today i'm a little uneasy. i know that this too shall pass, but i'm allowed to have some bad days. i'm allowed to not be sunshine and happy all day everyday. i'm only human.
i know that since my surgery i have changed, and i have been a different person. i'm not the depressed, super emo girl that i was. but at the same time, a small part of that girl still lives in me.
this whole transplant experience has been super rough on me. to have everything in your life change literally overnight. to have to change your lifestyle in an instant and have no objections. to go from just being a recluse, to being a recluse where everyone tries to live your life. the one thing i was looking forward to the most was getting back to being "normal". but i am starting to realize that i'll never have any real normalcy. that i'm always gonna be different. i guess thats just what makes me who i am. its me against the world. so i'll show the world that it can't hold me down.
in a way i've grown these wings that have shown me that i'm a real person with real feelings and real emotions. i'm not invincible, and i have a very real reality. but i've matured. i'm teaching myself how to handle things. instead of getting hurt, or upset with people, i write. most of it the world can't see, because a lot of my feelings are between me, myself, and i these days. so find my own ways to get myself out of these "funks". and for the most part, it works, and nobody really knows how raw those feelings are towards myself.
okay, now that my ramblings have gone full circle and i've vented out my thoughts, i feel better. thats all i really needed.
and here is my song for the day...
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