i was so different three months ago.  i was bitter, angry, sad, and defeated.  and then my life changed.  and in the three months of change i've experienced loss, hope, love, indifference, happiness, and destiny.  i'd been away from myself for so long that i forgot how to live.  how to be me.  how to be happy.  i'm relearning how to smile.  i wasn't sure i'd ever find this person again.  and though i had those feelings of abandonment, i'm getting past them.  sure, i still cry when i feel alone.  but, i try to find ways around it.  and it is weird, sometimes the things you think will push you past your breaking point are actually the things that hold you in place.

------and on another note...


its been two years since grandma died, and for some reason, its hitting me harder this year.  i mean, yeah, i've come to terms that she's gone.  but, its just the little reminders here and there.  i loved my grandma, and i'd give anything for her to see how far i've come.  to see just how much i've changed.  she kept me strong for so long, and yet she didn't get to see the final outcome.  or at least physically.  she was what kept me going.  because of her i tried to stay strong.  i'll admit, i didn't think i was going to make it.  she knew what i was going through, to some extent.  i guess i just really miss her, and talking about her a lot lately has helped me realize just how much i miss that she's gone.  i know she's in a better place, and that she isn't suffering anymore.  but, it doesn't change the fact that i'm still sad that she's gone.



gramma, i know you'd be proud of me.  i love you.